Holy Hullabaloos, The Blog

Life = Humiliation

A good friend of mine once said, "all life is humiliation" or something to that effect, and I've often thought that he was quite right.  (he said this, incidentally after he stood on the hood of my 1978 Chevy Nova, kicked it, and broke the windshield).  Then today, two things occur which seem to confirm the notion in my mind.  First, I'm reading a novel by Lorrie Moore, who is hilarious and tremendous and insightful and whom you should read if you haven't already and why haven't you because she's so hilarious and tremendous and insightful, and I come across this passage, where the narrator, after relaying the time her husband (soon after divorced; now dead) made her put a litter bag in her pocketbook so it wouldn't stink up their rental car, observes: "I have always felt that life was simply a series of personal humiliations relieved, occasionally, by the humiliations of others."  And then, and then, I go to Peet's Coffee, which I love and which I much much prefer to Starbucks, although I do go to Starbucks often because it's, well, because it's there, and I order a "grande" iced coffee.  And the lady who takes my offer looks at me and says, "so would you like the medium size then?" 

"Dream of Condoleezzacation"

So, I know I'm a little late for this, and probably a million people pointed this out already years ago, but I just realized this morning that because it starts with a "C" and ends with an "A" and has four syllables, "Condoleezza" is a very easy word to substitute for "California" in any given set of song lyrics.  Which gives rise to all sorts of possibilities, some of which I'm now having a hard time getting myself to stop singing, like "I Wish They All Could Be Condoleezza," "Condoleezza Dreaming," "Welcome to the Hotel Condoleezza," and my current favorite, "First Born Unicorn/Hard Core Soft Porn/Dream of Condoleezzacation/Dream of Condoleezzacation."  I now hope that maybe one or more of these songs will also be stuck in your head.  Any other suggestions for good Condoleezzalyrics out there?

Idea for New Reality Show: Needle in a Haystack

The idea is kind of like your typical reality competitive show meets Antiques Roadshow.  Five (or eight or ten or whatever) people have two days (or one day or 3 hours or whatever) to wade through a house full of all sorts of crap, like one of those houses Oprah might do a special on because they're so full of crap that you can't even walk, there are newspapers from 1963 and old shoes and cans of hominy, except that there is one item in the house that is worth a million dollars.  The group gets to pick five objects from the house that they think might be the special object.  The antique expert goes through the five chosen objects one by one, building suspense as object after object is revealed to be worth 42 cents until the final object, yeeks, is that the one that's worth a million????  If so, then the group gets to split the value of the object.  If not, they get the 42 cents.  Is it a real Ming Dynasty vase, or something picked up from the Bali Hai Polynesian restaurant in Lynnfield?  You'll have to tune in to find out!

Use this idea without my permission and I'll sue your ass. 

Law and Religion Toy Idea

I lay out the idea over at Prawfsblawg.  A colorform-like religious symbol set: fun, and educational too!  Anyone want to make it with me and sell it through the holy hullabaloos website?  We could probably sell at least 3 sets! 

Idea: Year of the Bod

As a professor who got a sabbatical last year, I know first hand how unbelieveably great it is to basically have a year off to do whatever you want.  Not to sit around on your ass and eat cheetos, mind you, though you can certainly do a bit of ass-sitting-on-cheeto-eating from time to time if you want, but rather to focus full time on what you really want to be accomplishing.  So, I spent half the year researching my book and the other half a year writing the book and teaching in Krakow and traveling around Europe with my wife and son, and it was outstanding.  And it reinvigorated me to go back to work and teach and do all sorts of other stuff too.

Put this insight--that a year off from the daily grind is beneficial in all sorts of ways--with our society's increasing concern with health care issues (both health itself, and its associated escalating costs), and you get this idea, which I humbly propose to you now: The federal government should subsidize one year during a person's lifetime, if that person wants to use it, for that person to do basically nothing but focus on their health: to eat nutritiously, to exercise, to take up different sports, to learn how to sea kayak, to climb mountains, to do yoga, to focus on their mental health, etc. etc.  Each person, in other words, would be entitled to one "Year of the Bod" during his or her lifetime. 

Alternatively, since the government will never do this, I propose that some publisher pay me a huge advance for me to live my year of the bod, which I will then write about in a book that I will call: "The Year of the Bod: One Weak, Kind of Fat Guy's Attempt to Devote One Entire Year to Nothing But His Health."  I will talk about my experiment with transcendental meditation, my attempt to climb the tallest peak in the southeastern region of Massachusetts, and how I will stop at nothing to bench 350.  It will be funny and inspiring, full of health tips and guaranteed to inspire a whole generation of cheeto-eaters to get off their asses and rededicate themselves to finding their inner-this guy-whose-muscular-picture-I've-stolen-from-some-website (or their feminine equivalents).

Idea: Tiny Cheerios!

Are you like me?  Or, to be more specific, are you like me in that you think the teeny tiny cheerios--the ones that are dark brown and really crunchy and super duper tiny--are the best cheerios in the box?  If so, do you agree that maybe the Cheerios company should put out a special product called "Tiny Cheerios" that would have only the tiny cheerios?  That's what we want, isn't it?  It's like the muffin tops idea from Seinfeld.  It couldn't be hard to do, could it?  Is it any harder to make teeny tiny cheerios than other kinds of cheerios?  How could it be?  And think about how terrific it would be to pour yourself a giant bowl full of only teeny tiny crunchy dark brown cheerios every morning.  Come to think of it, maybe they should also have a product called "Giant Cheerios".  Each cheerio would be six inches in diameter.  There would be four in a box.  They'd be like big bagles only with way more hole.  I don't know--I don't feel strongly about the giant cheerio idea, but I do feel pretty strongly about the Tiny Cheerios idea.  What can we do to make this happen? 

Idea: The "One Letter a Month Club"

No, this wouldn't be for a new Sesame Street feature--my idea is that we should do something to bring back, at least a little tiny bit, the practice of writing actual letters on actual paper and sending them through the actual mail to a friend.  When was the last time you received such a thing?  Do you remember when a trip to the mailbox brought with it the anticipation that you might find in there something other than a Pottery Barn catalog?  I mean, it's not like I'm a Luddite reactionary or anything (yes, I still don't have a cell phone, but I generally like technology--I have a damned blog, for Christ's sake), but I do miss writing and receiving letters.  If you agree, perhaps we can take action together.

I propose that we set up a club called the "One Letter a Month Club."  The general idea would be that each person in the club agrees to write one letter a month.  Beyond that, I'm pretty open to what the details would be.  Would you have to write a letter to someone else in the club?  Would people agree to exchange letters (you write me a letter this month, and I'll write you one back)?  And how would this club be organized?  My first thought is to use facebook (see--not a Luddite!) and set up a group, but I'm open to ideas.  Does anyone support this idea, and if so, how do you suggest we proceed?  I hope you'll comment!